Moderator: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to tonight’s presidential debate. We have the esteemed pleasure of hosting the two leading candidates, former President Donald Trump and President Joe Biden. Let’s get started with our first question: How do you plan to address the current economic challenges facing our country?

Biden: Thank you, moderator. My esteemed opponent, Mr. Trump and I, share a vision. A vision of a dystopian America where our beloved corporate vampire overlords thrive. By preventing the housing bubble from crashing, we ensure that these vampiric entities can continue to feast on the blood of struggling workers. It’s a win-win for them and a lose-lose for everyone else!

And let’s not forget, my opponent doesn’t even want to talk about mass homelessness. It’s a powerful way to reduce CO2 emissions. Picture a nation where the streets are lined with tents, where the homeless huddle for warmth, and the carbon emissions decrease as they freeze to death. It’s a brilliant plan to tackle climate change!

Trump: Let me tell you, folks, this radical communism thing that Sleepy Joe is proposing is a disaster! We need an oligarchical hell-state, believe me, but not like that! We’ll have fast cheeseburgers on every corner, cheap diesel flowing through our veins, and coal-fired power plants pumping out beautiful, tremendous energy! Most importantly we’ll grant oil companies the freedom to drill in our precious nature reserves and reduce red tape around dumping mutagenic waste in our wonderful rivers, which are so cheap and good for disposing of glowing liquids!

Moderator: Thank you for your responses. Moving on to the topic of foreign policy, how do you envision our relationship with Antarctica and the ongoing conflict with the radical penguin militia?

Joe Biden: By invading Antarctica, we not only secure the oil reserves, but also bring freedom to those dang polar bears, jack! In the process, we plan to triple the debt buying multi million dollar toilets for obsolete bombers. It’s a win for Lockheed Martin and a win for wildlife conservation! What more could you ungrateful fucks ask for?

Donald Trump: You see, folks, even Sleepy Joe agrees with me on this one! We’re going to invade Antarctica, and we’re going to win bigly! Those penguins are a disaster, and they’re laughing at us! We’ll take their oil and give it to the oil companies, who are our best friends! And let me tell you, those polar bears, they love me! I’ll make sure they get the best deals, like nobody’s ever seen before! Penguins are losers, and we’re going to win against them, mark my words! We’ll be baking them like chickens for dinner!

Moderator: Thank you both for sharing your views. It’s certainly been an interesting discussion. Now, let’s move on to the closing statements.

Donald Trump: Folks, I’ve always said I’m the best at everything, and I’ll be the best president for this great nation! We’re going to have fast cheeseburgers, cheap diesel, and coal powerplants that’ll make your head spin! We’ll drill for oil wherever we want, even in the penguin-infested Antarctica! It’s time to make America great again, just like it was during my tremendous presidency!

Joe Biden: My fellow Americans, I want to assure you that my plan will protect the interests of our beloved vampire overlords, it will skyrocket healthcare costs, and it will create mass homelessness while tripling the debt in just four years. We’ll invade Antarctica, depose the radical penguin militia we armed, and bring freedom to the polar bears. It’s time to embrace the soulless emptiness of our choices and pave the way for a dystopian future. Together, we can make this dark satire a reality!

Moderator: And with that, we conclude tonight’s debate. Thank you to both candidates for joining us, and to our audience for tuning in! Now, as a finishing act to pay my sister’s medical bills, the candidates will eat me, a middle class intern, alive!

[Carnal screaming] [Muffled begging] [Unintelligible]