Eh, I am an asshole.
Friends are hard to make. It’s even harder to find good friends. The key is to move through life open to the possibilities as they come.
Given enough time, and the willingness to be a friend, regardless of whether or not it works out at any given time, you’ll find people. Might take years, might get lucky at any time.
No bullshit, the real secret to having friends is being one. You’ll meet people at work, at stores, at events, wherever. If you comport yourself as the kind of person you would like to have as a friend, it is inevitable that you’ll meet someone that wants that kind of friend too. From there, you do your best, and let them do their best, and see where it goes.
It can be harder the more unusual you’re desired friend traits are. But that’s not the point.
It’s okay to “fake it til you make it”, btw. If you want a friend that’s compassionate, but you’re more of a stiff individual that isn’t moved by others, you might need to learn compassion by faking it. But as long as you’re acting with compassion, you’ll eventually either learn it for real, or become so good at mimicking compassion that it becomes the same thing. And that’s true for almost any trait. Hard to fake raw intelligence, or being tall, but stuff that’s behavioral? Absolutely possible to pick it up as you go along.
Be the kind of person you want in your life
You don’t sound like an asshole. You sound like a really well adjusted person.
I was mostly joking with my title. I don’t know if I’m an asshole. I do possess asshole like traits. I’m deeply against any type of conservatism. Interacting with people drains my energy so I can be glib after a while of hanging out. I’m probably just as sensitive as I am insensitive at times too so I spend a lot of time ruminating things that shouldn’t be taken as an offense.
I think in the long run it’s just difficult for me to establish a friend because I’m not sure what I want out of the relationship other than just having someone around to shoot the shit with. That means I need to have an interesting take on things but I’m not that interesting.
I think friendships are a give and take and I over give when it’s not necessary while also being absent when it’s most important. I also dont take ever. Thinking I must be self sufficient in all things.
I don’t know. I should probably do better.
Almost every asshole I’ve met thinks they’re aren’t an asshole. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but whoever they are will think it doesn’t apply to them. 🤣
I think you’re pretty much talking about the fundamental attribution error. It’s a cognitive bias whereby we interpret the actions of others as the result of their character, but attribute our own behavior to external situational things.
I think another component of this is generalisation, like how often does someone have to do mean things to qualify as “an asshole”. Once in a lifetime? Once a year? Every day? All day?
I used to think I was a super nice person. These days I will absolutely acknowledge that there are times when people would think I was a bit of an asshole. I think sometimes it’s unavoidable if you don’t want to be everyone’s door mat. For example, when you disagree with someone sometimes you can just let it go to keep the peace, but if you feel strongly about it for whatever reason and have to stand your ground, it’s easy to end up looking like an asshole.
Incels complain about being put in the “friend zone”, so infrels must be one layer below them?
Okay, but it is really tough to go from acquaintance to friend, so I can see complaining about it.
At the same time though, I think most people have had the experience of someone trying to be closer than you want to be as friends, so it’s probably easier to have empathy, which I think is the biggest problem with incels.
Do you wanna be friends OP?
Do you wanna build a snowman?
Do you wanna talk for hours?
No, why would you want to be friends with a loser like me? That must mean you’re a bigger loser. I wont be friends with losers.
Yeah I’m not gonna argue your points but if you change your mind I’m here.
All I’m going to say though, if you are choosing not to make friends then it’s not involuntary.
I was just kidding. We can be friends. What now?
username checks out
I feel that. When I do make a friend, I get too excited and act way over the top. I scare them away. It just happened a couple of weeks ago again.
It’d be great if I could remember what happened this last time so I could do better next time. I’m hoping it won’t be another few years.
It’s probably not to hard to repair the relationship with the person who you scared off. Just go back to them and be honest. If they don’t like it or they hold it against you that’s not someone you want to be friends with.
Lay it out bro. Tell them, I want to have a friend, someone who’s got my back so I can have theirs. I’m super hyped about it and I should be because it would be dope. I know I’m not for everyone but I’m a trustworthy dude and when I say I watch out for my friends I mean it.
To avoid getting taken advantage of look for some sort of reciprocal sentiment. But also, trust is not about making sure it’s safe to trust. It’s a leap of faith. Knowing someday that your trust will be broken but also knowing you’re strong enough for that to happen. Then just build your friendship strong enough to survive it.
Wow. I was not expecting a response, let alone a really good one. I’m going to let this sink in and use it.
I struggle to express my emotions and thoughts quite often and this really helps.
Thank you much, kind Imtertubes stranger.
Go out and volunteer to help someone else.
Seeing another person’s problems is a sure way to make your own problems seem smaller.
I’m a cunt, not an asshole.
Clearly you’re a dumbass
I can be both!
I’ve discovered, as an adult, that having friends as an adult requires being willing to sacrifice one’s solitude.
I know that sounds obvious, but it’s less obvious than it first appears.
As a kid, one’s solitude is not within one’s own control. One is forced to go to school, forced to see their parents, forced into contact with family and (when the parents arrange play dates) other kids.
As a kid, one can be a solitude-seeker, and still have friends from all the times they are involuntarily forced into fellowship with others.
But as an adult, one actually gains control over one’s own solitude. One can just lock the front door and say no to the world.
At work, one is protected by HR rules which say if you don’t want to talk to someone about personal stuff, you don’t have to.
An adult has access to isolation in a way a kid does not. Therefore an adult must choose to sacrifice their solitude if they want to make friends.
It’s not the solitude that’s the key word, it’s the sacrifice. Sacrifice meaning to actively kill it. To take a perfectly good evening of being comfortably alone, and to give it up and never get it back in order to go out into the world.
How to avoid the friend zone
If anybody’s in Oslo, this is an open invitation to hang out and maybe be friends.
Hej hej, jag ar en vast sverige nu!
Let me guess, that open invitation just suddenly got full, huh? :)
Seriously though, Oslo is the most amazing city, get off the train in centrallen and walked right into a bunch of wh40k games.
Ah, you found the warhammer clubspace! It’s like the biggest one worldwide, they tell me! Very cool place. And no, the open invitation is still open! I’m not naturalised enough to sneer at Swedes yet, however deserving they might be :P
Will DM you
Not a squarehead, American actually, but in the process of migrating like a european swallow.
I loved Oslo, but not sure I’ll be in soon, maybe closer to the winter, God what a beautiful city.
Thank you for the offer, will ping when I am here longer, currently commuting from California which is brutal.
Commuting from… California to Oslo? That’s only 14 hours. Wait till you get here and we make you walk everywhere.
I actually like that, the walking is fun, right now I’m in rural Sweden and I’m still driving everywhere.
Oslo is just such a fun city, can’t wait to see it again.
I hate most people. I choose to have to no friends and to fuck no one, cuz I pretty much hate everyone. Some dudes are cool, but I’m not into penis. Everyone else pretty much is awful and I’m better off with just me, my 3 dogs, and all the time in the world. Life’s good so long as the assholes keep their asshole existence out of mine.
So that’s like voluntarily friendless?
I will say though. People aren’t there for you to fuck them. So who cares if they have a penis.
I mean, if you think of everyone as a means to an end (focusing on their gender / wanting someone to fuck instead of being a friend) then yeah, you won’t really find friends anywhere. And that’s not exactly surprising.
