This is basically the point of the straight edge movement

I’m still rocking an Audigy 2 on my main computer for that 1/4" jack on the front bay

The Samsung Galaxy Xcover Pro has all of those things plus a removable battery and can take a serious beating. I used to throw the phone almost daily to demonstrate it’s durability. The sides got dents and gouges, but I never once had a crack in the screen. The newer Xcover 6 Pro has all of the same features as well as an iPhone 12 quality camera.

I managed to kill one after breaking the charging port (ironically not related to years of repeatedly being thrown at concrete) and got a Unihertz Titan. Its basically an oversized modern Blackberry 8830 and has the same durability, battery life, and a physical keyboard. No removable battery unfortunately and the camera sucks though.

If I was in the middle of a large and dense forest and saw a random woman, I’d assume she was either a witch or it was a trap

In the same vein, the ancient Beige Box with the same specs as the Dark Horse. It might not have as good of cooling and might be significantly louder, but it’ll keep up just as well. I had to use two 13,000RPM 80mm server fans for intake and exhaust in mine to cool an i9-12900k