I am currently employed as a san francisco bay area magpie

Look, I took the liberty of examining that president when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting at its desk in the first place was that it had been nailed there.

Live fast, die young, and leave behind a pretty corpse, that’s what I always say.

Keep in mind how dumb this person is and the fact she probably has a pile of guns.

i feel like this is a strange correlation. one of the smartest people i know is a licensed gunsmith. he has more guns than Jesus Christ (vampire hunter, esq.) and is further left than me.

I thought this was settled. In the immortal words of JRR Tokin:

This is my book motherfucker! They’ll walk if I tell them to! Get that weak-ass bird shit out of here!

i am eager to see the new laser cooked burgers. whenever they invent them

don’t die giving a billionaire a handy

edit: wait, one billionaire, clutching their (gender neutral) penises. i might like this billionaire too

no, i’m just teasing

i’m tagging you as “admitted to wearing mid-calf black socks with sandals and cargo pants at the same time”

you know what fear me

do they at least have a small submersible to transport luggage and pets?

there are times i think about getting titanium caps, but my one crown does not feel great and i don’t like how mouthpieces feel

if you’re gonna get chin work, make sure you have a butt chin (with a smaller, extendable butt implant installed in the cleft)

Haha guys don’t get compliments

I get you, but there’s also implicit trust in a cuddle. I’m farsighted so my personal space extends like 20 feet away (where my eyes start to be able to focus) and if I can’t see you well without my glasses on, you’re in it.

Having a 20 foot sphere of personal space is ridiculous, so I’ve just gotten used to people being in my space. Five feet away could just as well be snuggling if I’m uncomfortable with you.

All that said, the improv group i used to be in had a regular bad movie night. There’s always be at least fifteen people in a cuddle puddle. Sometimes I miss that.

One of my mentors taught me that when you think of a genuine compliment, you should give it. I mean figure out how to make it but creepy (no “hey girl you shit with that ass?”) but genuine compliments brighten people’s day and that spreads (kind of like how when someone is an asshole to us enough to make us in a bad mood, we spread it around)

*Checks that girls are around*

*Kisses my homies anyways*

I have, but I was lying (it was my wife, I don’t know how to not hit on her)

Yeah, one of my hobbies is smoking meats. Those meals are more expensive (because we usually don’t have that much meat in one meal) but it brings me more joy (than what the meat cost) to produce some fine smoked ribs than to buy them elsewhere. Also more bang for my buck.